daughter.

wiser minds than i have wrestled for centuries with the haunting question of: if God is good, why does he allow suffering?

"Indeed the Lord has proclaimed
To the end of the world:
“Say to the daughter of Zion,
‘Surely your salvation is coming;
Behold, His reward is with Him,
And His work before Him.’ ”
And they shall call them The Holy People,
The Redeemed of the Lord;
And you shall be called Sought Out,
A City Not Forsaken." Is. 62:11-12

my heart has been overflowing with all things LIFE lately. it’s been a season of hardship and heartache, interwoven with the most luminous threads of gold, like rivers of hope carving through a desolate wilderness. among other things, motherhood has been humbling and tender. i am haggard and beaten by the desert winds. in some dark unknown fields God has been silent, and the pain of that silence has been hard to bear.

in the past several months we’ve endured job loss, mid-life career shifts, depression, prolonged illness, and indescribable heartache over other unspoken griefs. yet, and yet. looking back i see God’s tenderness with our struggle, his generous grace holding us close. we’ve not missed a rent payment. our food is abundant. all of our utilities are on. through the trials we have been well provided for, and i am undone by his lovingkindness to us. a calm assurance has settled over me.

a strange, wild peace

in the midst of the fire, i am learning more than ever what it means to be comforted in affliction. i am unshakeable in my belief that God is good. wiser minds than i have wrestled for centuries with the haunting question of: if God is good, why does he allow suffering? but the past several months of anguish have brought me a strange and wild peace. i know that my good and perfect Father could end our trials at any time. if he chooses not to airlift my beloved family out of adversity, there is something he knows that makes it all worth it. trusting him is my path now. he does not owe me answers or an explanation. if God, who is abundant in mercy and kind even to the unthankful and evil,¹ considers my earthly affliction worth me enduring, i can accept it.

“…Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” 1 Cor. 2:9

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:17-18

again—

‘for our light affliction
which is but for a moment,
is working for us
a far MORE exceeding and eternal weight of glory.’

what God knows is that our suffering and agony and heartache—these “light afflictions”—are working FOR US. if God is FOR US—he is—then who can be against us? even our suffering is working for us according to the grace of God. it is not meaningless. in the hand of God, it is redeemed. 

i used to think suffering only mattered if it was endured for the faith—for belief in Jesus, truth, or the gospel. but is it possible that extreme stress and hardship in daily life, all the losses we go through, the despairing grief over deep unspoken things, or the sorrow of a mother who struggles with sin, or the torture of disharmony in relationships, or the endless oncoming waves of not knowing how to wisely do much of anything, or the weakness of being utterly depleted, or the longing for beauty and making and being an artist, or the anguish of failing to love one another well, or the shame of failing to steward well, or the misery of seeing my own hypocrisy and wretchedness (and yet the astonishment of knowing i am clothed in His righteousness)… is it possible that any suffering endured by body, spirit, and soul is grace in the hand of God, working FOR me as I, again and again, return to collapse into the enoughness of His sufficient, abounding grace?  i believe so, yes.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Rom. 8:18

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Rom. 5:3-5

“But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 1 Peter 5:10 

i have come to accept the sufferings and tribulations as a gift. they are mysterious graces working for me, by the will of God, for the life that is to come. i don’t believe he is the source of the adversity, but he is redeeming all of it for my good.² the trials are grace in the hand of the Lord.

and it is, without fail, a hand of love. it is gentle and kind; nourishing, not harsh. scripture tells us that God is close to the brokenhearted. he will never leave nor forsake those who are his.

bless God for his comfort. bless the Lord, oh my soul.

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Rev. 21:4

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1. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Luke 6:35-36

2. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Rom. 8:28